Hockley Heights Gazette

15 years ago I would have been shot for having this picture. Perchance I was browsing some local tourist attractions at a train station (well, not perchance actually, Kym had caught the wrong train and I had to drive out to Shenfield to pick her up), when I happened upon a brochure advertising a "secret nuclear bunker". Apart from the giggle you get seeing advertising about a secret location (shades of "military intelligence"), I am a bit of a survivalist junkie, so I packed up the boys (+1, Mitchell's friend Reeve), and away we went to Ongar for an afternoon spent deep beneath the Essex countryside. There we were, huddled under hundreds of tonnes of 10ft thick reinforced concrete walls, neutron absorbing materials, faraday cages and all that stuff you need to house 600 people, including the Prime Minister, for a period of up to 3 months. Awesome paranoia! Interestingly, the advice they were giving the population at the time was not designed to aid the survival of the people after a nuclear strike, most of whom they expected to die, but to aid the survival of those who would eventually emerge from the bunkers! Governments lying to protect their own interests? But I thought that this was only a recent phenomena?

On the theme of people, not things, which does end this weekend as we head off to Paris to see THINGS, I thought I'd mention the following (in passing):

a) Don't tell people you are in England because you are travellers. Travellers are gypsy folk who apparently are the cause of 99% of crime in any one area. It is OK to be terrified of "Pikeys" - the kids could tell you some stories!
b) Don't come to England if you have red hair. You will be called a "Ginger" and made the subject of much ridicule. Interestingly, "Ginger" is pronounced with hard Gs, in much the same way as the English say ringing as "ringkingk" - I dunno why!
c) The worst insult you could bear is that you are a "Ginger Jewish Farmer" - whereupon I usually fall about the place laughing(k). This is not an acceptable response to such a heinous accusation, apparently...
d) If you want to pay for foreign exchange using a traceable card transaction you need your passport and all of your details are recorded faithfully by the counter staff (including current address, phone numbers, etc). If you pay by untraceable laundered criminally obtained cash...you don't need to produce any ID. Oh, I laughed for days about that one!
e) Travelling about the EU is easy, as no country requires you to produce any ID, passports, visas, sign any paperwork etc. Well, all except for one country in our experience. You guessed it! Getting in and out of England is still much the same as it ever was before they "joined" the EU. At the border of say, France and Italy, it says "Welcome! You are now entering Italy!" (or perhaps "Benvenuti! Si entra ora Italia!"), whereas coming back to England you get "Have your passports and papers ready. Do not assault the staff. You are being monitored by CCTV cameras." Charming!
f) A million other things that make travelling such fun and so interesting - don't get me started on what the French and Italians try to pass off as breakfast!

Cya - Ant